Looking After Yourself Following a Sudden Death

A sudden death can be a shocking and distressing experience for anyone affected by this event, regardless of the cause of death. This is because the death is unanticipated and there has been no opportunity to prepare for it.

It can take a while for the reality of what has occurred to sink in and while this is happening it is important to be aware of your needs.

The process of grieving is a normal and healthy response to life events including a sudden death. 

Initial reactions

You might initially feel a sense of shock and disbelief.

In the immediate aftermath of being informed about a sudden death, try to keep yourself warm and hydrated. It is advisable not to drive or do anything that requires concentration until you feel you have had a chance to regain some equilibrium.

You might feel wholly preoccupied with what has happened – imagining the circumstances of the death - what this might have been like for the person who has died as well as those around them. Feeling intensely preoccupied with the circumstances of a sudden death can last for several days or even a week or two.

If you were present when the person died, replaying what happened repeatedly in your mind is a part of coming to terms with what has happened. Sometimes people refer to this experience as a flashback – which can feel very vivid and immediate but is your body’s way of processing and assimilating information that is shocking and difficult to absorb.  Flashbacks are likely to settle over several weeks.

You might find that you feel numb – a sense of disconnectedness and unreality.  This is a reaction to the overwhelming nature of a sudden death.  It does not mean that there is something wrong with you.  It is a protective response to allow you time to begin to take in what has occurred. Try not to push yourself to feel things – this will happen gradually as you become more able to be in touch with your emotional experience.

The shock of a sudden death might lead you to experience higher levels of anxiety than usual. Typical symptoms of anxiety are breathing faster, having an increased heart rate, or a feeling that you need to remain alert to whatever is coming next (vigilance). Your anxiety levels might fluctuate over the next few days especially if you already experience high levels of anxiety or struggle with anxiety related problems.

What can help?

Try not to isolate yourself - sometimes it can be helpful to talk to others – friends or family or college support staff/colleagues

You might not want to talk however, and it might be enough for you to be around other people but in your own private space. Be mindful of others who have also been affected and might be on their own – you might be able to support each other.

It can be difficult to feel comforted in the immediate aftermath of a sudden death and there is no right or wrong thing to do.  The grounding exercise below might be helpful for some people.

In the longer run it can be helpful to debrief with others who have been affected, but this is best done a few days after the sudden death, rather than immediately.  The University Staff Counselling Centre (contact details) can offer support groups for staff needing to debrief after a sudden death and to departments needing support with the loss of a colleague.

GROUNDING TECHNIQUE

• If you find that you are starting to feel upset and overwhelmed find a quiet safe space and sit on the floor with your back against a wall.
• If possible have a blanket/shawl with you and wrap it reasonably tightly around yourself.
• Practice your steady mindful breathing https://www.mindful.org/a-five-minute-breathing-meditation/
• See whether you can locate where in your body you are experiencing your emotional pain/discomfort and try to hold a gentle focus on that if possible whilst using your breathing technique.
• Whilst holding this focus try not to reach out to or recoil away from the physical sensation of your emotion.  You are simply holding an awareness of that particular aspect of your experience.
• It might also be helpful to think about your feelings in terms of waves.  These waves can be rather big and might tumble you around emotionally – this is a difficult but normal aspect of processing certain kinds of emotion.  Holding a physical focus whilst you experience a wave of emotion can help you to feel you have something to hold on to whilst it passes.  And it will pass.

Short term

Grief and depression involve the same sort of emotional and psychological processes and feeling low after a sudden death is a normal reaction. 

As you start to process what has happened, you might find that there are periods of time when you do not think about the person who has died or the way they died.  This might feel disconcerting – as if you shouldn’t stop being preoccupied with them.  When you reconnect with what has happened, it can feel like a jolt – a shock to your system as you reconnect with the pain that the loss has brought about.

Feelings can be more raw when you first wake up. This is because you have not had time to emotionally ready yourself for the day ahead.

Allow yourself time to settle when this happens – the intensity of feeling will lessen.

In the meantime you might find it difficult to concentrate for longer periods of time or to settle to tasks and activities. Try to pace your expectations of yourself accordingly.

You might feel tearful at times and low in mood.  You might also experience a sort of flatness – after all of the shock and pain, this flatness, while uncomfortable, can be helpful shield as you recover from what will have been an intense experience.  It is not uncommon to feel unusually tired for some time.

You might feel regretful or sad about what you feel were unfulfilled aspects of your relationship with the person who died.

One loss echoes another: You are likely to be reminded of other losses that you have experienced.  These losses might not all be connected to the death of a person – we experience loss throughout life through change and transition. A sudden death might bring back painful memories of other people/times or occasions.

Longer term

Many people find that about a month after a sudden death, they start to feel a bit better: able to engage with their day to day life with a peripheral awareness of the person who died and the circumstances in which they died, and less pain and shock when they think about this.

It is possible to accept that the person has died and to move forward with life, even though the sadness and sorrow of what has happened remains.

This is dependent on the nature of your relationship with the person who died however, and it is not unusual for the intense phase of a grieving process to take a couple of years when you were very close to the person who died. 

Many people will say that they always carry a feeling of deep sorrow in relation to the loss of someone very close to them or who was very important to them.